The meatball sub and half bottle of wine

It was around Christmas time last year.

I was out running errands with my two young daughters.

While they were in the backseat singing along to the latest pop song, I was rumination a situation over and OVER in my mind.

One of our errands was to try out some meatballs that I was going to get for Christmas dinner. I wanted to be sure they were yummy, of course, so I stopped at an Italian deli to try theirs. I ordered a meatball sub.

meatball sub

On the way home from getting the meatball sub, my mind kept obsessing about this particular situation.

I stopped to get some wine. I thought a glass would go nice with the meatball sub.

On the way home from the wine stop, my mind really kept going.

To the point of me being in a COMPLETE RAGE over this particular thing.

I pulled into the driveway. Slammed the car into park and told the girls to hurry up and get inside.

I put them in front of the TV. I knew I was struggling and did not want them to see me so upset.

My mind was on FIRE.

I began to clean up in the kitchen. And as my mind raged on, I slammed dishes.

Then I went into the bedroom.  I slammed books to the floor.

To say I was bundled was a complete understatement.

I went back into the kitchen.

While my mind was still STILL ruminating, I inhaled my meatball sub in rage.

I pounded a 1/2 bottle of wine.

pouring22

Obviously, trying to soothe my soul.

It didn’t work. Heck, I didn’t even get a buzz, my mind burned up all the alcohol with its’ rage.

The mind is very powerful.

I sat there exhausted, horrified, upset, defeated.

How could I let something, something so, in all actuality, small – RUIN ME?

Because my mind was a prison.

And I say WAS because it no longer is.

A few weeks after this, I finally, after a lifetime of being trapped in my mind, surrendered to a myriad of things. Mostly, I surrendered to having no idea what to do anymore but I could not live this way.

Once I surrendered, miracles began to unfold and life began to flow.

It was as astonishing!

I write this today for a few reasons.

One, because I am not perfect. My mind still wants to go back to the hamster wheel, being the victim, ruminating over small things, big things, things that it has no control over, making shit up because it is so fearful of the unknown.

But now I am the observer. I see this happening sometimes and occasionally I even laugh! Thinking, ‘Oh look! This is what has always happened! Silly mind.’

I understand now, more than ever, how my mind likes to work. I am seeing so very clearly the patterns and blocks and some of the ridiculousness (not said in a negative way but seriously, sometimes it is just RIDONKULOUS).

Second, because I want to share with you that I know. I have been there. I, up until quite recently, have struggled quite a bit.

And thirdly, because I want to let you know that the prison that the mind can have us in, the hamster wheel that we can get on (and can’t seem to get off of) can be scary and stressful and defeating and downright fucking ANNOYING.

But I believe from the bottom of my heart that it is not the declaration that ‘this will never happen again!!’ or ‘I can stop this and be better, perfect, not so easily upset etc.’ is the answer. To fight against this or to push this away does no good.

I believe the answer is: SURRENDER. Surrendering to the fact that this is happening.

SURRENDER.

I surrendered to the fact that my mind was a prison. I surrendered to the fact that I had been doing the SAME thing for 35 years (yup, since I was 8) and I was stuck, seeing the same patterns over and OVER playing out in my life.

I full on gave up.

I did not give up on myself, I gave up the FIGHT against myself.

Can you relate to this?

Can you surrender to anything?

Sometimes we can only surrender to the fact that we CANNOT surrender.

And that is okay. Honestly, it is a start and your soul (where your true self lies) and your divine hear you!

They really do.

Be patient. Keep surrendering.

Please share any comments or anything that resonates with you below.

Thanks!

Love,

Adrienne

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What if you just give up?

 

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Give up thinking you need to be better

Give up trying

Give up thinking you do not have enough

Give up thinking you are not enough

Just give up

Surrender

Wave the white flag

Declare that you are OVER your mind being a prison

This is not a defeat

You are not giving up on yourself

You are giving TO yourself

Giving yourself the biggest gift you can

Letting go of the trappings of the mind that are holding you back, making you feel less than, making you feel bad

How does that make you feel?

Possibly nervous

Maybe stressed out

Thinking ‘if I stop trying what will happen?!?!?’

And ‘don’t you ALWAYS have to keep trying and keep striving and keep pushing??’

Think of how Nike says ‘Just Do It’

Guess what?

There is often a time to push

A time to dig your heels in an give a little more

BUT NOT WHEN YOUR FOUNDATION, YOUR INNER VOICE IS SAYING ‘IT’S NOT ENOUGH. IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH. YOU KINDA SUCK NO MATTER WHAT YOU TRY TO DO.’

When the voices, when the feeling, when the energy is not about your soul’s purpose, your true self – when it is about other’s expectations or your perceived expectations of others or all about how you can be better, more, less you – then it is time.

Time to give up

Surrender

What do you think about that??

I have been thinking a lot about the Diana Nyad story

At 64 she swam Cuba to Florida

After ‘trying’ four or five other times

And while I do not know the whole story, the gist is that she stopped attempting this swim for over 20 years. She tried when she was younger and then stopped (for reasons I do not know) and then at 60, some 20+ years later, took up this goal again.

Hmmmmm…..

Maybe she was pushing to hard

Maybe there wasn’t the right technology

Maybe the right people weren’t in her life yet (she has said this was a huge team effort, not just about her)

Maybe she wasn’t actually ready

Then she was

Please know that when you stop trying, stop pushing, and start being, time no longer becomes an issue

Seriously time becomes irrelevant

So much of our pushing and trying has to do with ‘I need to do this now. I need to have this done before I am this age.’

Diana Nyad shows us that age and time are NOT really factors in our lives

OUR MIND IS THE BIGGEST FACTOR

SO!

I have created a program called Connection, Possibility and You and the first step is surrender!

Want to know what the other steps are?

Then sign up – you are going to love this program (and it is FREE)!

For more info watch the video at the top right of your screen and then click the link to sign up!

Or if you are just ready to sign up because you are ready to set yourself free, click here.

Thanks!

Love,

Adrienne

 

 

 

 

 

The power of having nothing left

This morning at 5:25 am it was clear.

I have nothing left.

Nothing.

Zero.

Zilch.

My resolve, my patience, my personality, my joie de vive, it’s all gone.

My beautiful daughter, 20 months old, has begun waking at night again and nursing like a wolverine any chance she gets.

I am like a mama of a newborn, walking around like a zombie, snapping at anything and everyone. Except that new mom glow is long, long gone.

AND I feel like I am losing my mind (well, what’s left of it).

Yesterday I was very, very angry at it all.

WHY? WHY? WHY? I kept thinking. I just want to feel ‘normal’ again (and I had as of a few weeks ago, everyone was sleeping great and nursing was down to once or twice a day). I was excited about just about anything and everyone.

Then :::::screeeeeeeech:::::: we travelled, baby got a little virus, and was teething (AGAIN).

Back to waking at night and nursing all the time. And to add insult to injury, my lower back is all mussed up.

My perfectly awesome personality 🙂 cannot handle much sleep deprivation and hormonal flux. So I’ve been a hot mess and completely pissed off at my situation for the past few weeks.

Then this morning, while baby was up again for the third time and crying because I was trying to let her go back to sleep on her own, I thought (and with strong conviction):

I AM DONE.

I HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

It was complete surrender to the situation. I even began to chuckle. It was all actually quite funny.

Then a strong, yet very peaceful resolve came over me. And I decided to take charge (you know, as much as one can ‘take charge’).

No more nursing*. No more going in at night. No more waiting for things to change. And off to the acupuncturist asap so we can get baby a good qi adjustment (mama probably needs one too LOL).

And with my ‘taking charge’ feeling came a feeling of complete surrender. Yes, I am going to take some action but I am at peace with what is. AND I feel strongly about moving on with some things that I have been procrastinating because I have been waiting to feel better, be better, know better, whatever. No more waiting, life will never be perfect. There is never going to be a perfect time to do anything. So I am not waiting another minute (okay, maybe a few days but not much longer!).

Even though I had the worst nights’ sleep EVAH and feel like shit on a stick today, I am so much happier and feel so much lighter than yesterday. I actually felt my back relax a little when I really take a few moments and feel these good (and surrendering) feelings.

So if you are at your wits end with anything, ponder just letting it all go, giving up and being with what is. It seemed to work in this situation (sometimes you are forced into but sometimes I think you can lean into it and really feel and experience it) so maybe it can work in all situations. I’m sure gonna try it.

You?

Lemme know!

Love,

Adrienne

*I feel strongly about the importance of long-term nursing (if that works for you) and nursed my older daugher for 2 years. But I am becoming resentful and cranky towards my baby and that seems counter-intuitive. I feel, in my particular case, it is time to stop. Mamas usually know and whatever you decide regarding nursing is often the best for your situation. And sometimes all you can do is what you can do.