It was around Christmas time last year.
I was out running errands with my two young daughters.
While they were in the backseat singing along to the latest pop song, I was rumination a situation over and OVER in my mind.
One of our errands was to try out some meatballs that I was going to get for Christmas dinner. I wanted to be sure they were yummy, of course, so I stopped at an Italian deli to try theirs. I ordered a meatball sub.
On the way home from getting the meatball sub, my mind kept obsessing about this particular situation.
I stopped to get some wine. I thought a glass would go nice with the meatball sub.
On the way home from the wine stop, my mind really kept going.
To the point of me being in a COMPLETE RAGE over this particular thing.
I pulled into the driveway. Slammed the car into park and told the girls to hurry up and get inside.
I put them in front of the TV. I knew I was struggling and did not want them to see me so upset.
My mind was on FIRE.
I began to clean up in the kitchen. And as my mind raged on, I slammed dishes.
Then I went into the bedroom. I slammed books to the floor.
To say I was bundled was a complete understatement.
I went back into the kitchen.
While my mind was still STILL ruminating, I inhaled my meatball sub in rage.
I pounded a 1/2 bottle of wine.
Obviously, trying to soothe my soul.
It didn’t work. Heck, I didn’t even get a buzz, my mind burned up all the alcohol with its’ rage.
The mind is very powerful.
I sat there exhausted, horrified, upset, defeated.
How could I let something, something so, in all actuality, small – RUIN ME?
Because my mind was a prison.
And I say WAS because it no longer is.
A few weeks after this, I finally, after a lifetime of being trapped in my mind, surrendered to a myriad of things. Mostly, I surrendered to having no idea what to do anymore but I could not live this way.
Once I surrendered, miracles began to unfold and life began to flow.
It was as astonishing!
I write this today for a few reasons.
One, because I am not perfect. My mind still wants to go back to the hamster wheel, being the victim, ruminating over small things, big things, things that it has no control over, making shit up because it is so fearful of the unknown.
But now I am the observer. I see this happening sometimes and occasionally I even laugh! Thinking, ‘Oh look! This is what has always happened! Silly mind.’
I understand now, more than ever, how my mind likes to work. I am seeing so very clearly the patterns and blocks and some of the ridiculousness (not said in a negative way but seriously, sometimes it is just RIDONKULOUS).
Second, because I want to share with you that I know. I have been there. I, up until quite recently, have struggled quite a bit.
And thirdly, because I want to let you know that the prison that the mind can have us in, the hamster wheel that we can get on (and can’t seem to get off of) can be scary and stressful and defeating and downright fucking ANNOYING.
But I believe from the bottom of my heart that it is not the declaration that ‘this will never happen again!!’ or ‘I can stop this and be better, perfect, not so easily upset etc.’ is the answer. To fight against this or to push this away does no good.
I believe the answer is: SURRENDER. Surrendering to the fact that this is happening.
I surrendered to the fact that my mind was a prison. I surrendered to the fact that I had been doing the SAME thing for 35 years (yup, since I was 8) and I was stuck, seeing the same patterns over and OVER playing out in my life.
I full on gave up.
I did not give up on myself, I gave up the FIGHT against myself.
Can you relate to this?
Can you surrender to anything?
Sometimes we can only surrender to the fact that we CANNOT surrender.
And that is okay. Honestly, it is a start and your soul (where your true self lies) and your divine hear you!
They really do.
Be patient. Keep surrendering.
Please share any comments or anything that resonates with you below.
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