They’re all words that are in our every day vernacular.
But for many of us, they all have a much deeper meaning.
And for a lot of us, all of these words are just crazy-making and have been for our whole lives.
In my teens, 20s & 30s, I gave a majority of my energy, my precious mental energy, to thinking about how fat I was and how I could quickly get skinny.
Now, in my 40s, I would LOVE to be as ‘fat’ as I thought I was!
I have put on weight.
I am carrying extra weight.
But for the first time in my life, I do not give it a lot of mental energy.
And when I do – because I do out of habit, a lifetime of habit – I shift myself away from these thoughts.
My precious mental energy, my spirit & my life deserve so much more.
I found that over the past few year that any time I would decide to ‘diet’ or radically change my diet (read: restrict), I would become so cranky. So irritable. And kinda nasty to those I love.
My spirit cried out. ‘Oh girlfriend, not again with this!!!’
So I stopped. Stopped thinking about dieting, losing weight and being ‘thin.’
And whenever I did, I just shifted my thoughts.
AWAY AWAY AWAY from ‘You are fat’ type of thoughts.
I have allowed myself to eat whatever I want.
Whenever I want.
And guess what?
I have gained weight.
And while this is not the best thing ever, or the most surprising thing ever, I don’t worry too much about it.
Because I cannot remember the last time I binged.
I did a lot of binge-before-dieting type behavior and that has added to my weight gain.
Now I rarely feel ‘sick’ after eating.
I used to eat A LOT because I knew I would be dieting, fasting or cleansing soon. Knew that soon I would be cutting all the horrible things out of my diet so I constantly overate as if I was in a panic. Exhausting, I tell ya.
And I’d feel very stuffed & bloated all the time. And I felt ‘sick’ so no wonder I felt the need to fast, cleanse, take a break from ‘bad’ foods.
I hardly ever do now.
I used to eat a TON of pasta because I knew that I ‘shouldn’t’ and would be cutting it out of my diet ASAP.
I love pasta and eat it now, occasionally. Some weeks more than others but I do not crave it like crazy like before.
I used to go out to eat to ‘treat’ myself before the big restriction was coming and I had a favorite place that included a very large meal & boozy drinks that I would have (read: stuff madly into my pie hole).
I can’t remember the last time I did that.
So while I am carrying extra weight, I am mentally lighter.
I am less stressed and less crabby around this stuff.
I eat well, often quite ‘healthy.’
My goal is to completely trust that my physical being will catch up with my spiritual & mental lightness and I will be able to achieve a weight that is perfect for me and do this easily.
And the more I focus on creating a mindset that is positive & full of possibility, ease, miracles & fun the more easy it is to make good decisions for myself. It has really works wonder. My mindset has become my biggest asset – ass size be damned! 😉
But seriously, I have stopped gaining weight and whilst I’m at a plateau, I feel good.
My spirit, my soul & my personality love variety, experiences, freedom & fun. Eating a restrictive diet of ANY kind, I have now learned (slowly but surely), makes me a complete nutbag, a bitch & a sad sack. Just a big ole sack o’ sad. I KNOW how to eat well. I KNOW I can eat what I want in a normal capacity especially if I’m not feeling like a crazed animal locked in a cage (cuz then I eat everything in sight). I love things like green juice, smoothies, salads & all kinds of healthy foods. But I crave variety & freedom so the thought of ONLY eating these foods does my spirit no. good. I am learning to trust myself and out of that trust has come a much more balanced way of eating. And that feels good.
I recently joined a gym. To keep my body moving through our chilly (although not lately!) New England winter. No big goals. No stressful goals. Just movement. Keeping moving is so important, mostly because it feels good!
So heavy & happy?
Yup, pretty much!
And yup, I have to continually remind myself that while I could easily lose weight fast with a very restrictive diet & lots of exercise, I want to be in a place where I do not have to do that. I want to enjoy life, experience everything. Not worry about what I am eating. And as I slowly but surely trust myself & know that it’s all coming together because I FEEL so much better mentally, I will get to a place of balance – body, mind & spirit.
Patience, trust, gratitude.
That’s where it’s at.
That’s where I’m at (or at least shift to when I’m not). Some days/weeks go better than others but after a lifetime of this, it takes time to not to think the thoughts you always have. Patience, I remind myself, patience. And remembering how good I feel, how ‘light’ my mind feels is so very important!
I hope that wherever you are in your journey to making peace with yourself (if you have to like I do), that you are patient, kind, trusting & feeling grateful for the awesome & strong person you are.
Because you really are.
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