The last time I was truly happy

I am no expert on happiness and have learned a lot about what happiness is NOT.

Last year I had moments of sheer, unadulterated bliss.

This was a bit foreign to me but man was is AWESOME.

It had a lot to do with a two things.

One being Oneness.

Another being giving up (you can read more about this in one of my most popular blog posts What Happened When I Stopped Trying).

When I gave up and decided to just BE and go with the flow and guess what? Life flowed in a beautiful, glorious way. How about that? It was fascinating! And so very freeing for me.

Now in those first few weeks of giving up trying to: be more ~ do more ~ diet ~ exercise ~ figure out what the fuck I was doing with my life ~ be perfect ~ thinner ~ better (are you exhausted yet? I sure was), things were hard. How could I change this mind that had been the same way, thinking the same things forever?? But I did. Each and every time my mind would wander to the thoughts that had plagued me for a lifetime, I would steer them to the present and to NOT thinking about any of that stuff I wrote above. I would actually tip my head to the side as if to say ‘NO! MIND – DO NOT DO THAT!’ I was often doing this a few times AN HOUR! But after a few weeks it became easier and easier. It helped that spring was coming and I was out and about more (New England winters can be a bitch).

One day, I was at Castle Island, in South Boston and spring was in full effect. I laid under this tree on a small blanket.

Image

I almost wept.

Seriously.

As I lay there, a feeling of complete bliss came over me.

I was beyond happy and grateful to be laying there, basking in the sun, under this miracle of nature.

My family joined me a bit later and we ate cupcakes and played in the park.

I felt that life could not get any better.

This feeling continued through the spring and into the summer.

During the summer I had to work a little harder at shifting my mind because my physical body did not look as I wanted (and this was something I struggled with most of my life ‘How was I not going to be a fatty in the summer.’ Ugh). But I shifted my thoughts to how fucking good I felt and how that was WAY more worth it than worrying about my extra weight. Even when I had to have my favorite guy friend hoist me out of the water because I couldn’t pull myself into his boat after trying to go tubing ~ this was all quite humiliating folks and could have sent a gal over the edge ~ I managed to keep my thoughts light and of self-acceptance. It was HARD but I did it.

Then in the fall, I went to a spiritual growth weekend to deepen my awakening with Oneness.

It was awesome. I just loved it.

AND!! I felt I was given (downloaded from the Divine, if you will) the most fabulous idea for business. I had always wanted to create a business for myself, mostly online, that could help me serve the world, my family and myself. So there I was at my Oneness Blessing weekend and BOOM! Idea after idea after idea, all under this sweet little umbrella.

I went home and executed my idea immediately. A divine idea Divinely given? Can’t lose right?

Well I did.

Not ‘lose’ per se but maybe more like missed the mark.

Now I know why.

All my anxieties, stresses and the over-minding I had been doing my whole life took over. As I sprang into action, I changed my blissful way of thinking to the DO MORE BE MORE GIT SHIT DONE NOW of yesteryear. But I believed I COULD make this all better and more and perfect. It seemed perfect. As I tried to drive the bus. As I tried to push and create.

I gave up pretty quickly and feel embarrassed about that.

AND then just went into a place in my mind where there tends to be a suckage-fest.

All the old crap came back.

Oh dear lord where is my blissful spring????

Will I ever be happy like that again?

Where can I go get a lobotomy?

So what has happened this year?

Ah, my friends, you will just have to wait.

Part II will come soon.

Please share any of your comments on bliss or your own life journey’s and lessons in the comments below here or on my Facebook page.

Thank you for reading and sharing!

Love,

Adrienne

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s