I have spent most of my life beating myself up for one thing or another.
Ya, I know, wah boo wah on me.
Not to long ago I decided to stop.
Stop trying to lose weight.
Stop trying to be ‘better.’ (whatever THAT means)
Stop trying to figure everything out.
Stop focusing so much on the future (because I was completely out of the present as a result).
On my 43rd birthday, I woke up and realized my mind was a prison (particularly a big giant prison of negativity, particularly negative self-talk).
I decided enough was enough and began a giant push towards positivity.
But I fell flat on my face because underneath it all I was still pushing towards being thinner, happier, better, and a whole gang of NOT ME!
Once I woke up to that and realized even though much of what I was doing was great and yes, very positive, underneath it all was the nagging old feeling of ‘you kinda suck, so keep at all this because, guuuuurrrrrlllll, you NEED TO CHANGE.’
So there I was, not thinner, not happier, not better – JUST ME.
I decided to give up.
Just plain ole give the fuck up.
No more ‘dieting’, no more hoping and praying and intending to be better.
I toyed with the idea of ‘radical self-acceptance’ but that seemed very scary. LOL.
So I decided to just BE.
Sometimes I am a giant hot mess.
Sometimes I am not going to be able to wear a bikini (more like maybe never LOL).
Sometimes I am going to be not so spiritual.
Sometimes I am just going to be ME.
As I began to play with this idea and really take notice of when my mind would pull me back to ‘you better do this that and the other because, well, you suck, and you better be better!!’ I began to attend Oneness Blessings.
Well, they have become the blessings of the century!!
It has really helped me with all this (that I was already leaning towards).
All kinds of miracles have shown up but mostly the miracle of just being ME.
Yup ^ there I am first thing in the morning. Aren’t ya glad you can see what I look like? 🙂
I am much less self-conscious these days.
A lot less wishing I was something or someone else.
My mind is changing and shifting.
And I can see, that without even trying, so are all the other things I have TRIED to change for so long.
They are following suit – my body, my eating, my behaviors.
Just because my mind has shifted.
Ahhhhhh, such a relief!
It feels like freedom.
All the struggle, the pushing, the badgering, IT’S GONE.
It as if I am truly realizing that in this moment, just as I am, is fine.
Even more than fine, it’s GREAT.
Sometimes the negative stuff does creep back in. This is natural. I notice quickly and do not try to force it away. Just a gentle noticing of:
‘Oh look, here you go again.’
And then I chuckle.
I used to spend hours trying to figure out how to change myself and my body, I was so grouchy!!! And all I could think of is:
I KNOW how to eat well. I KNOW how to drop weight quickly. I KNOW how to exercise. I KNOW that meditation, prayer, and quiet moments all make a huge difference.
But when they were in the context of doing them because: ‘you suck’ surprisingly I got NOWHERE. Shocking, huh? 😉
I was often exhausted before I even got out of bed because I had no idea how I was going to uphold all these ideas of perfection.
So like I said, I gave up.
It was the most freeing moment of my life.
Then Oneness Blessings came on my radar (again, I had attended many a few years ago).
I began to read some awesome folks online especially Go Kaleo who are talking about all KINDS of great stuff having to do with diet and body image. And also lots of folks who are eating real food and loving life.
It is amazing how shifts and things happen sometimes when you don’t try at all!
I find it miraculous that my mind is changing and my body is (slowly but surely) following suit.
I think for some folks it can be just the opposite, they change their body because they have had ENOUGH and their mind follows suit and that is freedom for them.
For me, it is the opposite.
The mind has changed.
And everything, and I mean everything, is following right along.
In the most fabulous, miraculous, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, all with no judgement way.
Please share below any stories you would like regarding mind shifts, a-ha moments, diet or body image stories – I’d love to hear them!
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