My ego is not so cute but that’s okay (keep reading to see how mine shows up).
Over the past, say five to eight years, I have been shifting.
Beautifully shifting to a more peaceful, loving place….well, I’m tryin’ at least.
But my pesky ego is NOT going down without a fight.
Or so I thought….
All the personal growth and spirituality books I read talk about quieting the mind, minding the ego and not listening to those constant, neurotic ways of thinking. And some go on to say, that while you are doing this, beginning to quiet the mind, etc, you will notice the ego desperately clinging to life, trying to stay, trying to survive. Because if you learn to not give the ego so much weight in your everyday life, then, WHO ARE YOU?? The ego does NOT want this to happen. It is very attached to who you are, what you do, what you have done, and all kinds of external things that can define us. If attachment to all of that goes away, then ego does to. The ego is strong and has NO plans on leaving.
I notice this like it is a third limb I have. It will not go away and it is so ever present.
I have always felt there was a need to condemn this ego part of myself. I have hated myself for a LONG LONG time for being selfish, for being self-centered, for being so MEMEMEMEMEMEME. And I have an extraverted personality so my ego seems not only like a third limb but also like a big, puss filled boil that WILL. NOT. GO. AWAY.
In my quest to be more spiritual, to find more peace, I sometimes attempt to rid myself of ego-likeness. Usually in vain (ironically).
The other night, I went to the most amazing event.
It was a Oneness Meditation and Blessing. It was a truly miraculous evening for me. I cannot recommend attending one enough! GO!
Leaving the event, I was so filled with joy, so peaceful, and could not stop laughing (and for no reason at all, it was awesome). When I got home that night and went to bed and began to go into the beginnings of restful sleep, I ‘heard’ this:
‘You are special.’
I was fucking PISSED. So angry. I was so mad at myself and my ego for this thought. ‘You douche!!!’ I yelled this to myself. ‘Really?? After this beautiful event, you want to separate yourself, thinking that YOU are special?? We are all special. Get. It. Together.’ These were my thoughts.
But all of a sudden, my ego appeared to me.
It was a snake, a big, dumb snake. It looked at me, tilted it’s head and gazed at me with a childlike, goofy look. It was comical and silly. But there was also I wanting under it all.
I began to laugh.
Oh my god, I gasped!
My ego needs some attention. It seemed to say ‘tickle me!’ and ‘let’s be silly!’ and ‘no need to be so serious!’
I realized at that moment that I do not need to shun my ego and hate it away or hope it just goes away (that’s never gonna happen no matter how much spiritual work you do). What I need to do is give it some attention, and attention from ME, not from anything outside myself which is what the ego likes to feed itself on.
I need to love my gosh darn ego!
That pesky snake, that kinda vacant minded, childlike ‘thing’ I let run the show far too often?
Well! It is now more of my friend than my foe.
If it comes in and tries to make me separate from others or it lives in judgement-land or it wants to be built up with superficial crap, well, now (as of Thursday night lol), I just laugh at it and give it a little tickle and talk to it as you would a two year old who just made a mess of it’s room. ‘You silly! What kinda silly stuff are you doing?? Let’s put on some music and dance around while we clean this up. I love you!’
Instead of yelling and swearing at it and hating myself for being so awful (and so so very HUMAN).
It was a huge relief, this new awareness, this shift in thinking.
I am hopeful to now be able to not take myself so seriously, not give my thoughts so much attention and know when my pesky little snake ego needs a little tickle.
So notice when your mind begins to judge others, or when it begins to create separation thoughts as mine did, or even when we are always relying on outside things to build us up and make us feel whole.
Does your ego need some attention from you?
Quiet your mind for just a moment and see what you see/hear/think/feel.
Share your experience in the comments below!