This morning at 5:25 am it was clear.
I have nothing left.
My resolve, my patience, my personality, my joie de vive, it’s all gone.
My beautiful daughter, 20 months old, has begun waking at night again and nursing like a wolverine any chance she gets.
I am like a mama of a newborn, walking around like a zombie, snapping at anything and everyone. Except that new mom glow is long, long gone.
AND I feel like I am losing my mind (well, what’s left of it).
Yesterday I was very, very angry at it all.
WHY? WHY? WHY? I kept thinking. I just want to feel ‘normal’ again (and I had as of a few weeks ago, everyone was sleeping great and nursing was down to once or twice a day). I was excited about just about anything and everyone.
Then :::::screeeeeeeech:::::: we travelled, baby got a little virus, and was teething (AGAIN).
Back to waking at night and nursing all the time. And to add insult to injury, my lower back is all mussed up.
My perfectly awesome personality 🙂 cannot handle much sleep deprivation and hormonal flux. So I’ve been a hot mess and completely pissed off at my situation for the past few weeks.
Then this morning, while baby was up again for the third time and crying because I was trying to let her go back to sleep on her own, I thought (and with strong conviction):
I AM DONE.
I HAVE NOTHING LEFT.
It was complete surrender to the situation. I even began to chuckle. It was all actually quite funny.
Then a strong, yet very peaceful resolve came over me. And I decided to take charge (you know, as much as one can ‘take charge’).
No more nursing*. No more going in at night. No more waiting for things to change. And off to the acupuncturist asap so we can get baby a good qi adjustment (mama probably needs one too LOL).
And with my ‘taking charge’ feeling came a feeling of complete surrender. Yes, I am going to take some action but I am at peace with what is. AND I feel strongly about moving on with some things that I have been procrastinating because I have been waiting to feel better, be better, know better, whatever. No more waiting, life will never be perfect. There is never going to be a perfect time to do anything. So I am not waiting another minute (okay, maybe a few days but not much longer!).
Even though I had the worst nights’ sleep EVAH and feel like shit on a stick today, I am so much happier and feel so much lighter than yesterday. I actually felt my back relax a little when I really take a few moments and feel these good (and surrendering) feelings.
So if you are at your wits end with anything, ponder just letting it all go, giving up and being with what is. It seemed to work in this situation (sometimes you are forced into but sometimes I think you can lean into it and really feel and experience it) so maybe it can work in all situations. I’m sure gonna try it.
*I feel strongly about the importance of long-term nursing (if that works for you) and nursed my older daugher for 2 years. But I am becoming resentful and cranky towards my baby and that seems counter-intuitive. I feel, in my particular case, it is time to stop. Mamas usually know and whatever you decide regarding nursing is often the best for your situation. And sometimes all you can do is what you can do.